The Nora Theory

Vanderpump Rules had a 10th season for the ages. Scandoval broke records and revitalized a show that was floundering. There is absolutely no way season 11 will be anywhere near as explosive, but I for one am still very excited to see the VPR crew again now that the dust has settled.

In honor of this week’s season premiere, I rewatched all of season 10 (and all the other seasons who am I kidding? I do this every few months) and I have some predictions for the upcoming season.

The Personalities

Tom Schwartz will whine and waffle, and say something awful to one of the girls in the group at least once.

Tom Sandoval will put himself at the forefront of every scene possible. In season 10’s episode celebrating Scheana’s bridal shower, he literally shoved his way in front of the camera. His attention whoring is only going to escalate now that all of America has turned on him.

Scheana is going to Scheana. The previews of this season are enough to know that this is one prediction that will absolutely come true. After the shocking revelation about her kissing Schwartz, and the podcast moment where she sobbed about how hard Ariana and Sandoval’s break-up has been on her, we know we can count on Scheana to play the victim. Not to mention play both sides of any conflict that arises. Some things never change.

Speaking of things that never change, James is going to be terrible and over the top and it will be hilarious. I expect more moments like my favorite of last season when he called Rachel and told her, “You’ve done diddly fucked yourself over” in response to Scandoval. James has grown up a lot in the last few years, but his ability to lose his temper in increasingly hilarious ways will continue to cement his status as the number one guy in the group.

Katie will continue to make the viewers deeply regret the time when they all thought she was terrible. She will continue to drink impressive amounts of tequila, but Tequila Katie will never rise again. We all know it was Tequila Tom all along now.

There will be no shortage of yelling and fighting, as always, but Lala will lead the pack. She is going to yell like a middle-aged father with an anger management problem and look great doing it.

The Relationships

James and Ally will be weirdly solid and we will all be left wondering what the secret is to their seemingly happy relationship. My theory is that they work because she actually stands up to him and speaks her mind. No bambi-eyed bitch was ever going to be able to handle Hurricane James.

Ariana and Sandoval still living together will get increasingly weird as the season goes on. I pray she is out of that situation by the end of the season, but I don’t think that will be the case. Lawsuits can take a while.

Brock is going to do something that makes us all turn on him. I don’t know what, but I feel it in the air. He and Scheana are going into the season seemingly solid, but something has never sat right with me about this guy. We’ve had bigger fish to fry in the last couple of seasons with Randall and Sandoval, but I think it might be Brock’s turn for villainy this year.

The Ghosts of SUR Alley

Jax Taylor is going to make an appearance and we’re all going to be annoyed. To be fair, I know this from previews and the fact that Jax Taylor’s overly-filled face is inherently annoying, but whatever. It counts.

They’re going to talk about Rachel. A lot. She will be the elephant in every room.

The Final Thought

It will make increasingly less sense that all these people hang out together, but I will thank god every week that they do.